As parents, sometimes by the end of the day we feel like we have had enough. Often times we feel like we have had enough before lunch! It doesn't matter how old our children are, there are levels of frustration and joy at every stage of our child's development. This week we will be talking about emotional coaching. Children need to be taught how to deal with their emotions. As parent's we can teach them technique's to develop emotional intelligence and maybe even learn some tips for ourselves.
A good first step is to apply the following acronym, ENUF.
- E: Empathy listen, understand your child's perspective.
- N: Non-judgmental, don't judge good or bad. When we pass judgement, we stop the other person from sharing.
- U: Unconditionality, this is unconditional love, regardless of what you believe or what they did.
- F: Focus on the feeling, "you sound mad" or sad or angry or confused. Take a guess. It's okay to be wrong.
Here is an example. Your child comes home from playing with friends crying.
Parent: Why are you crying?
Child: Jaxon said that I am a dumb baby and that I cannot play basketball with them. So, I started yelling back and we got in a fight and I hit him.
At this point as a parent, you may be feeling a lot of different emotions. You might want to get mad and say, 'You know you are not allowed to hit people.' You may want to say, 'I hope you punched him hard!' Right now is the time to listen, so take a deep breath, remember the unconditional love and focus on the feeling:
Parent: You sound angry.
Child: I am! He is mean to me all the time. I know I shouldn't have punched him. I was just so angry!
Parent: What should you do now?
This is a perfect time to listen and to guide. Your child knows that he shouldn't punch someone, no matter how much he wants to. As you talk together he might be harder on himself than you are. Listen to what your child has to say and come to a conclusion together.
Controlling our Anger
How often do you feel angry? As a parent it is sometimes hard to not lose your temper. After those feelings of anger are flared, it can take 18 minutes to cool down. The old saying, take a deep breath and count to 10, might be better worded to take a deep breath and count to 1000. Many prophets from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have given advice on how to control your anger and how to interact with your children.
President Brigham Young said, "Kind words and loving actions will subdue their uneducated natures, better than the rod. Kindness towards children will bind them to us, while abuse will drive them away. Teach them to love you, not fear you. Parents should not drive their children, but lead them along.
Controlling our Anger
How often do you feel angry? As a parent it is sometimes hard to not lose your temper. After those feelings of anger are flared, it can take 18 minutes to cool down. The old saying, take a deep breath and count to 10, might be better worded to take a deep breath and count to 1000. Many prophets from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have given advice on how to control your anger and how to interact with your children.
President Brigham Young said, "Kind words and loving actions will subdue their uneducated natures, better than the rod. Kindness towards children will bind them to us, while abuse will drive them away. Teach them to love you, not fear you. Parents should not drive their children, but lead them along.
Gordon B. Hinckley said: "Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that he was a parent before you were parents and that he has not relinquished his parental rights or interest in these little ones. Now, love them, take care of them. Fathers, control your tempers, now and in all the years to come. Mothers, control your voices, keep them down. Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones, welcome them into your homes and nurture and love them with all of your hearts."
One night I had a horrible experience. My husband was going to school full-time and working full-time. I was with my kids all day and all night without a break. I also was babysitting my nieces and nephew. I cannot remember why I was upset. I just remember trying to get my kids to stay in bed and go to sleep. What I do remember was my oldest child, eight years old at the time, saying to me, "Mom, please stop. Satan has a hold of you." I did stop. He was right. I was not acting in a way that brought the spirit into our home. I needed to count to 1000 that night or just plain walk away. It was a learning moment for me that I will never forget.
The Gottman Institute has a lot of information on emotional coaching. Check out their link.
Here are some of their suggestions:
Don't ever dismiss a child's emotions. The biggest emotions kids face are going to school and developing new relationships. We can help them face these challenges by:
- Helping the child put their emotions into words.
- Validate the child's right to have those feelings.
- Treat the child with dignity. when a child trusts the teacher (parent), whom ever it is, the child will be willing to learn.
When a child trusts an adult it leads to healthier relationships.We can gain that trust through love and healthy communication.
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