Rewards and Bribes

I work at an elementary school. Reward's are everywhere. A lot of teacher's use classroom money that can be redeemed to choose a prize from the treasure chest or to purchase  prizes from the class store. School wide we have Reading Counts rewards that include: Pizza w/the Principal, Rock the Halls, Pick a Book, and Lunch w/your Teacher. At home you might have other incentives for homework and chores. Why do we use bribes and rewards? What is the difference between them? And do they work?

A bribe usually happens in the middle of a bad behavior. For example, a child is having a melt down while your at the store. You might say, "If you stop crying, I will buy you a Slurpee." Now, if I was that child, I would have a melt down every time my mom took me to the store in hopes that I would get a Slurpee.

My daughter called home from her mission two Sundays. I could tell something was wrong and went into the other room. She explained what a hard time she is having staying inside so much during the COVID 19 virus. She also talked to me about some other concerns that she is dealing with. I talked to her and so did her dad. Even though she was not behaving badly, my first thought was and the first thing I said was, "I am so sorry! Can I send you a package or buy you a new dress?"

What! Why was that my first reaction? I think it is because she is so far away and I didn't know what else to do. The next Sunday when she called, she had received her package. I didn't buy anything new, but I sent some things from home that I thought she would like and that would bring her comfort. She told me that she was going to cry more often during our phone calls if it resorted in packages. She was partially joking, but kids learn quickly what they can do to manipulate a situation for their greater good.

Some rewards are bribes. If you read and get this many points, this is your reward. Not all rewards or incentives are bad, but we should try to keep rewards authentic or natural. When my kids were younger they knew that dinner time was at 5:30 p.m. If they wanted to have dinner with the family, they had to be home by then. If not, they had to fend for themselves. Periodically we went to dinner as a family. I have one kid that chased us on his bike as we were driving away.We let him come with us.

My 14 Year Old Kid Racing Home For Dinner!!(Haha!!)

Arbitrary rewards (rewards based on random choice or personal whim, rather than any reason or system) are rewards that are not related to the situation. For example, most reading awards at school are not related to reading. Having pizza with the principal is an arbitrary reward. We want to reward our children with natural rewards. The following ideas can help you move towards these goals.

1. If your child wins an award for swimming, you could say, "Awesome trophy, but what do you love about swimming that encourages you to work so hard?
2. When you offer a large reward, it may feel more like a bribe. They may work out of greed instead of for a job well done. When a child has done something that you feel is worth rewarding, make sure that the reward isn't bigger than what the child has done. If your kids have been working with you all day in the yard, they are tired, sunburned and sweaty, you could offer a drink or to get ice cream to cool down. You should not offer a new video game or new clothes.
3. Timing is everything. Rewards promised in advance feel like bribes. However, giving a reward after the hard work or other activities are complete can feel like an act of appreciation. Rewards can fortify good behavior and shows the recipient that your are thankful for what they have done.
4. External rewards (praise, prizes, awards) may be appropriate for some children who lack cognitive maturity.
5. When deciding on rewards, think outside the box. Giving your time to play a game or go the park might be a bigger reward than spending money of gifts or other treats.

When children feel loved, needed, cared for, they will respond with motivation. Work side by side with your child. Your time is the greatest of all rewards.